The Dark Psychology of Flying Monkeys and Why They Follow the Narcissistic Friend Who Is Bullying Others

Understanding the Term "Flying Monkeys"

Origin of the Term from The Wizard of Oz

The term “flying monkeys” might sound whimsical at first, but its meaning has evolved into something far more sinister. Originally coined from the classic 1939 film The Wizard of Oz, the flying monkeys were the minions of the Wicked Witch of the West, doing her bidding without question. They weren’t inherently evil, but they were loyal to someone who was. In modern psychological terms, this metaphor has become incredibly useful in explaining how certain individuals support or carry out the manipulative and often abusive tactics of a narcissist. These individuals act not from a sense of personal hatred or malice, but from a place of blind allegiance, fear, or manipulation. The term has been adopted in discussions around narcissistic abuse to describe those who enable or assist the narcissist in bullying, gaslighting, or isolating their target.

How the Term Evolved in Psychology

In the field of mental health and emotional abuse awareness, “flying monkeys” describes individuals who, often unknowingly, become the instruments of a narcissist's campaign against someone else. These could be friends, coworkers, family members, or even professionals manipulated into seeing the narcissist as a victim and acting against the true target. Over time, therapists and survivors of narcissistic abuse noticed a recurring pattern—narcissists rarely act alone. They surround themselves with supporters who echo their narratives, discredit their victims, and reinforce the narcissist’s distorted reality. The term is now commonly used to raise awareness about these covert accomplices and the extended reach of psychological abuse beyond one-on-one relationships.

The Narcissist's Playbook

Traits of a Narcissistic Bully

Narcissistic bullies often wear a mask of confidence, charm, and charisma that draws people in. They may appear successful, funny, or deeply empathetic on the surface, but underneath lies a deep insecurity and need for control. These individuals crave attention and admiration, and when they don't receive it—or when someone threatens their self-image—they resort to manipulation, belittling, and often, emotional abuse. Narcissists typically lack true empathy, which makes it easier for them to objectify others, turning people into pawns in their psychological games. Their bullying isn't always overt; it can be subtle, insidious, and cloaked in “concern” or sarcasm that makes it difficult for others to pinpoint the abuse.

Manipulation Tactics Used to Control Others

One of the most alarming aspects of narcissistic manipulation is how strategic and calculated it can be. Tactics like triangulation—where they play people against each other to stir up jealousy or competition—allow them to maintain control over multiple relationships simultaneously. They may also engage in gaslighting, subtly twisting facts, denying conversations, or making others feel like their emotions are invalid or exaggerated. Another common method is the cycle of idealization and devaluation. At first, they shower their targets and followers with praise and affection. But once control is established, the affection is withdrawn and replaced with criticism, blame, and manipulation. This rollercoaster of emotional highs and lows makes people desperate to please the narcissist again, giving them more power over time.

Who Becomes a Flying Monkey?

Personality Traits of Enablers

Not everyone becomes a flying monkey, but certain personality traits make people more susceptible. Often, these are individuals who are conflict-averse, people-pleasers, or those with low self-esteem. They might lack strong personal boundaries and seek approval from dominant figures, like the narcissist. Many flying monkeys genuinely believe they are helping someone in distress—after all, the narcissist often portrays themselves as a victim. Because they want to be seen as loyal or kind, they may act without critically examining the situation. Others simply go along with the narcissist’s narrative to avoid being targeted themselves. This internal struggle between personal morality and social allegiance creates a gray area that narcissists are experts at exploiting.

Psychological Needs and Vulnerabilities

Flying monkeys often act out of deep psychological needs, not malice. Some crave a sense of belonging, and aligning with a charismatic narcissist can offer them status, inclusion, and perceived safety. For others, the appeal lies in being part of an “inner circle” or trusted confidante, which feeds their own need for importance or relevance. Some are operating from fear—fear of rejection, social ostracism, or becoming the next target of abuse. Narcissists expertly identify these vulnerabilities and exploit them to maintain a loyal entourage that will unquestioningly defend their actions, even when those actions are blatantly harmful or dishonest.

Flying Monkeys and Groupthink Dynamics

The Social Psychology Behind Herd Mentality

One of the most dangerous aspects of flying monkey behavior is how it ties into broader social psychology concepts like groupthink and herd mentality. When people are part of a group—especially one dominated by a narcissist—they often suspend their own judgment to align with group norms, even when those norms are unethical or abusive. This phenomenon isn't limited to high school cliques; it occurs in corporate environments, social groups, and even families. The fear of being the outlier or whistleblower can silence individuals who might otherwise object. The group’s cohesion and the narcissist’s charm create an echo chamber where dissent is unwelcome and blind loyalty is rewarded.

Role of Conformity and Peer Pressure

Peer pressure doesn’t disappear after adolescence. In adult social dynamics, the desire to conform and avoid conflict can still drive people to behave in ways they wouldn’t normally condone. Flying monkeys may find themselves gossiping, spreading false information, or isolating someone simply because “everyone else is doing it.” They convince themselves that if multiple people believe the same narrative, it must be true—even if that narrative was fabricated by a narcissist. This type of pressure can be especially intense when the narcissist holds social power, like being the popular colleague, respected community member, or dominant family figure.

The Narcissist’s Web of Influence

Emotional Manipulation and Gaslighting

At the heart of every narcissist’s control mechanism is a refined skill in emotional manipulation. They know how to appeal to others’ emotions—be it sympathy, guilt, or admiration—and use these to distort perceptions and shift blame. Gaslighting is one of their most potent tools. This tactic involves making others question their reality, memory, or sanity. For instance, they might deny things they clearly said, twist your words, or accuse you of overreacting to provoke self-doubt. This psychological warfare isn’t just aimed at the primary target—it’s used to condition their flying monkeys as well. Over time, followers internalize the narcissist’s version of reality and become convinced that the victim is the real problem.

Loyalty Through Fear or Reward

Narcissists manipulate both through punishment and reward. They might offer special attention, flattery, or inclusion to those who defend them, while freezing out or targeting anyone who questions them. This reward system creates a toxic loyalty where flying monkeys feel valued only when they’re echoing the narcissist’s sentiments. At the same time, the threat of being turned against—losing status or becoming the next victim—keeps most enablers compliant. In this web of control, logic is often abandoned in favor of survival. It becomes a game of staying on the narcissist’s good side, regardless of who gets hurt in the process.

Real-Life Examples of Flying Monkeys

School Bullying Scenarios

In school settings, flying monkeys often emerge within social cliques. Imagine a popular student—well-liked, influential, and seemingly kind—who suddenly targets a peer. Their friends, not wanting to lose favor or become outcasts, join in the ridicule or at least turn a blind eye. This isn’t always born from malice; sometimes it’s survival. Others believe the narcissist’s lies, thinking the victim "deserves it." Over time, the entire social landscape can be shaped around a single person’s manipulative tactics, leaving the bullied student isolated and vulnerable.

Toxic Workplace Cliques

Workplaces can also become breeding grounds for narcissistic manipulation. A manager or team leader might subtly discredit a colleague, spreading half-truths while presenting themselves as the reasonable one. Their supporters—coworkers who seek career advancement or fear rocking the boat—often adopt these views and further the damage. They may exclude the victim from meetings, ignore their contributions, or spread damaging rumors. The toxic culture is normalized, and the flying monkeys, knowingly or not, become agents of workplace bullying.

Family Triangulation

In families, a narcissistic parent might create division between siblings. One child is idealized—the “golden child”—while the other becomes the scapegoat. The golden child, in turn, often becomes a flying monkey, defending the narcissist and enforcing their narrative. Triangulation fosters distrust and rivalry, all while the narcissist maintains control. These dynamics can last for decades, deeply affecting the scapegoated child’s self-worth and relationships.

The Impact on the Victim

Emotional and Mental Health Consequences

The coordinated behavior of flying monkeys magnifies the damage of narcissistic abuse. Victims often face overwhelming emotional pain—not just from the narcissist’s direct attacks but also from the betrayal and social isolation that comes from others joining in. This can lead to chronic anxiety, depression, and even PTSD. The compounded gaslighting makes them question their worth, their memory, and their perception of reality. Over time, the psychological toll can lead to withdrawal, suicidal ideation, or a deep mistrust of future relationships.

Isolation and Self-Doubt

Perhaps the cruelest effect of narcissistic bullying is the erosion of the victim’s self-trust. When even friends and family echo the narcissist’s lies, the victim may begin to believe they are the problem. This self-doubt fuels isolation. They may pull away from others to protect themselves, unintentionally reinforcing the narcissist’s narrative that they are “antisocial” or “unstable.” This cycle of silence and shame becomes incredibly difficult to break without outside support or professional intervention.

Why Flying Monkeys Often Don’t See Themselves as Wrongdoers

Cognitive Dissonance

One of the most perplexing aspects of this dynamic is that flying monkeys often don't realize they're participating in abusive behavior. In many cases, they genuinely believe they are defending someone who’s been wronged—usually the narcissist who has cleverly positioned themselves as a victim. This is where cognitive dissonance comes in. It’s a psychological phenomenon where a person holds two contradictory beliefs at the same time. For example, a flying monkey might see themselves as a kind and loyal friend while also attacking someone they’ve never taken the time to understand. To ease the discomfort of this mental conflict, they rationalize their behavior: “I’m just defending my friend,” or “They must have done something to deserve it.” These justifications help them avoid the guilt of acknowledging that they’re complicit in cruelty.

The Allure of Group Identity

Humans are wired for social belonging. Being accepted by a group—especially one that’s led by a charismatic figure—feels validating. Narcissists understand this innately and use it to their advantage. They create a tightly controlled social circle where loyalty is rewarded, and dissent is punished. Within this environment, flying monkeys often adopt the narcissist's worldview as their own. They absorb the narrative that the victim is manipulative, unstable, or even dangerous, and they feel a sense of moral superiority in siding with the group. It’s easier to follow the crowd than to step back and critically evaluate the situation, especially when standing up might lead to social exile or retaliation.

Breaking the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse

Recognizing the Patterns

The first step in dismantling the influence of flying monkeys and narcissists is awareness. Once you begin to recognize the patterns—triangulation, love bombing, gaslighting, public shaming—you can start to reclaim your power. These tactics thrive in confusion and secrecy. By identifying them, you remove some of their potency. If you find yourself repeatedly questioning your memory, doubting your worth, or feeling isolated from others due to someone else's influence, you may be caught in a narcissistic abuse cycle. This recognition can be both painful and empowering—it shatters the illusion but also opens the door to healing.

Setting Boundaries with Both the Narcissist and Their Enablers

Once you understand what’s happening, the next step is to protect your mental and emotional space. This often means establishing firm boundaries—not just with the narcissist, but also with their flying monkeys. These boundaries might involve limiting contact, refusing to engage in drama, or asserting your truth calmly and without apology. Expect resistance; narcissists hate losing control, and their flying monkeys may double down on their defense. But over time, your consistency sends a clear message: you are no longer a pawn in their game. In some cases, you may need to cut ties altogether for your well-being.

Can a Flying Monkey Be Redeemed?

Shifting from Enabler to Ally

Not all flying monkeys are beyond redemption. Some, once they gain clarity, feel deep remorse for the harm they’ve caused. These individuals may have acted out of misinformation, fear, or emotional dependency. With education and introspection, they can transition from enablers to allies. This shift often begins when they witness the narcissist’s behavior firsthand, especially when it turns against them. Personal experience is a powerful motivator for change. If a former flying monkey approaches you with sincerity, it’s up to you whether to accept their apology, but know that true accountability includes changed behavior.

Steps Toward Awareness and Empathy

For someone to evolve beyond being a flying monkey, they must be willing to confront uncomfortable truths. This involves unlearning toxic loyalty, questioning the narratives they’ve been fed, and developing empathy for the victim’s perspective. Education, therapy, and honest conversations can be transformative tools in this process. When flying monkeys start asking questions like, “Why did I believe them without proof?” or “Why was I so eager to take sides?”—they begin the journey toward becoming more self-aware, emotionally intelligent individuals who are less likely to be manipulated in the future.

Red Flags That You’re Dealing with Flying Monkeys

Warning Signs in Conversations

Identifying flying monkeys early can save you from a great deal of emotional distress. One major red flag is the way conversations unfold, especially when discussing mutual acquaintances. If someone consistently echoes the narcissist’s viewpoint, uses guilt to control your behavior, or brings up the narcissist's “pain” to excuse their toxic actions, you may be dealing with a flying monkey. These individuals often seem oddly invested in defending the narcissist while invalidating your feelings or minimizing your experiences. They may casually insert doubt: “Are you sure it happened that way?” or “They’re not like that with me.” These phrases, while subtle, are designed to manipulate your perception and create confusion.

Behavioral Patterns to Watch For

Flying monkeys tend to display consistent behaviors that reinforce the narcissist’s control. They might avoid direct communication with you unless it’s to deliver a message from the narcissist or stir up conflict. They could participate in passive-aggressive acts like excluding you from group events, gossiping behind your back, or reporting your actions to the narcissist. What’s key here is not just the individual acts, but the pattern: loyalty to the narcissist at the expense of honesty, empathy, or fairness. Another clear sign is their inability—or unwillingness—to listen when you share your perspective. Instead of offering support, they pivot to defending the narcissist or subtly suggesting that you’re the one at fault.

How to Protect Yourself from Flying Monkeys

Emotional Detachment Techniques

Protecting yourself begins with detachment—not just physically, but emotionally. One effective technique is gray rocking, where you become as uninteresting and emotionally neutral as possible around the narcissist and their flying monkeys. Give short, factual responses. Avoid sharing personal details that could be used against you

. Over time, your lack of emotional engagement makes you less appealing as a target. Another powerful method is emotional regulation—learning to respond rather than react. Narcissists and their enablers feed off your emotional outbursts because it gives them power. When you stay calm, assertive, and grounded, you take that power back.

Leveraging Support Systems

You don’t have to go through this alone. Seek out people who know your character and value your truth. Whether it’s trusted friends, a therapist, or a support group, having safe spaces to talk is essential for healing. Document interactions that feel manipulative or abusive—especially in work or family environments where proof may be needed. Finally, educate yourself on narcissistic abuse and psychological manipulation. The more you know, the less likely you are to internalize the lies and gaslighting used against you. Knowledge truly is power, especially when you’re reclaiming your narrative from a toxic system.

Legal and Ethical Considerations

When Bullying Crosses Legal Boundaries

While much of narcissistic abuse and flying monkey behavior is psychological, there are cases where it escalates into legally actionable territory. This includes defamation, harassment, stalking, and invasion of privacy. If the narcissist and their enablers spread damaging lies about you, interfere with your work, or threaten your safety, it’s important to understand your rights. Collect evidence—screenshots, texts, emails—and consider consulting an attorney. Schools and workplaces are often required to address bullying or harassment under legal or organizational policy frameworks. Know that you’re not powerless—legal systems exist to protect against this kind of misconduct, even if they can be slow-moving.

Documentation and Reporting Strategies

Documentation is your ally. Keep a detailed journal of abusive encounters, noting the date, time, what was said or done, and who was involved. This creates a timeline that can support your case if you decide to escalate the matter legally or within an organization. When reporting to HR, school administration, or law enforcement, bring only facts—avoid emotional appeals and instead provide concrete evidence. Having a record of repeated behavior strengthens your credibility and makes it harder for the narcissist and their flying monkeys to spin a false narrative.

Rebuilding After Narcissistic Abuse

Therapy and Recovery

Healing from narcissistic abuse—and the damage caused by flying monkeys—is not a quick fix. It requires intention, time, and often professional help. Therapy can be a lifeline, especially trauma-informed counseling that addresses emotional manipulation and identity erosion. A skilled therapist helps you untangle the lies you’ve been fed, rebuild your self-esteem, and recognize healthy boundaries. Many survivors find empowerment in understanding the psychological mechanisms behind the abuse. When you realize that the attacks were never about your worth, but about the narcissist’s need for control, you begin to reclaim your inner peace. Healing also involves grieving—not just the relationship you lost, but the illusion you believed in.

Reclaiming Self-Worth

Restoring your self-worth involves more than affirmations or self-care routines. It requires reconnecting with who you are outside of the narcissist’s narrative. This means rediscovering your passions, your strengths, and your values. Surround yourself with people who reflect the truth of who you are—not those who were complicit in your harm. Take time to do things that bring joy, creativity, and peace back into your life. Whether it’s journaling, art, physical activity, or volunteering, these actions rewire your brain toward empowerment and self-love. Most importantly, give yourself grace. Recovery is not linear. Some days will feel like setbacks, but every small step is a victory.

Expert Opinions on Narcissism and Social Manipulation

What Psychologists Say

Psychologists consistently emphasize that narcissistic abuse is one of the most under-acknowledged forms of emotional trauma. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and author specializing in narcissism, notes that narcissists “engage in a long con—using charm and strategic manipulation to build alliances and discredit their victims.” Experts agree that flying monkeys often operate within systems of social and psychological dependence and may not even realize they’re participating in abuse. The consensus: both narcissists and their enablers create toxic social ecosystems that erode the mental health of their targets, often with long-lasting effects.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

1. What exactly is a flying monkey in psychological terms?

A flying monkey is someone who supports or enables a narcissist’s abusive behavior, often by attacking the victim on their behalf. They may do this knowingly or unknowingly, but their actions contribute to the harm.

2. Are flying monkeys always aware they’re being used?

No. Some flying monkeys are manipulated into believing they’re helping or defending a “wronged” friend. Others are fully aware and participate out of fear, loyalty, or personal gain.

3. Can flying monkeys ever become victims themselves?

Yes. Narcissists often turn on their enablers when they’re no longer useful. Many former flying monkeys become victims of the same manipulation and abuse they once helped inflict.

4. How do I deal with a flying monkey in my life?

Set boundaries, limit contact, and avoid trying to convince them of your perspective. Focus on your own healing and protect your peace, especially if they refuse to see the truth.

5. Is there hope for someone trapped in a narcissistic group dynamic?

Absolutely. With awareness, support, and sometimes professional intervention, individuals can break free from narcissistic influence and rebuild healthier relationships.

6. What’s the difference between a flying monkey and someone caught in the middle?

Flying monkeys actively participate in the narcissist’s agenda, while someone “caught in the middle” may be confused, silent, or avoidant. Intent and behavior are key differences.

Moving Forward with Insight and Strength

Understanding flying monkeys and why they follow the narcissistic friend who is bullying others is about more than just defining toxic behavior—it’s about reclaiming your voice, your peace, and your truth. Whether you're escaping the narcissist’s web or helping someone else recognize the patterns, awareness is the first and most powerful step. Trust your instincts, protect your energy, and remember: healthy relationships never require fear, silence, or cruelty to survive.