4- Ways To Stop Projecting Onto Your Romantic Partners
Table of Contents
Introduction: The Cycle of Projection in Relationships
Understanding Projection: Psychology and Emotional Impact
The Role of Unmet Needs: Emotional Needs and Projection
Consequences of Projection: Boundary Issues and Dependence
Identifying and Breaking the Cycle: Signs of Projection and Strategies for Change
Personal Growth: Therapy, Support, and Attachment Theory
Conclusion: The Path Towards Healthier Relationships
Further Reading: Resources on Relationships and Projection
Projecting Love Onto Romantic Partners
It had been a whole year since my last break up. I had only known my ex-girlfriend for several months, but memories of our relationship still flooded me every day. I knew that she was the wrong person for me and that I had not known her. Regardless, I still felt like I had lost someone very familiar like it was someone whom I had an intimate relationship with for many years. What’s worse is that this is not the first time this has happened. I have a pattern of fixating on past ex-girlfriends long after the relationship ends, even if it was a brief romance.
Sometimes we attach to the wrong person, or to someone whom we barely know way too quickly. Being with them feels like a drug; there is constant elation, and we feel “like we’ve known them forever” even if it’s only been a short time. We think we have finally found “happiness” by being with them.
Unfortunately, these feelings usually come with a variety of negative consequences such as difficulties setting boundaries, feeling dependent on their approval to maintain a sense of mental well-being, and difficulty separating from them if need be, which often leads to staying in a relationship long after it has become unhealthy. I have personal experience with this, and I’ve also seen clients with their versions of these difficulties countless times. Why is it that some people tend to fixate on new partners so quickly? Is there something magical about the people they attract?
The truth is, this usually has more to do with us than the person we’ve attached to. This process usually occurs when we have been unable to meet our own emotional and/or relational needs, most of which are unconscious. We learn to cope with this by something therapists call “projection.” Projection is the process by which we displace our feelings, beliefs, values, or unmet needs onto others. We do this most often and most intensely with romantic partners. Our mind tricks us into seeing our romantic interest as someone different than who they are. We see them as a “savior”- someone who can alleviate us from our emotional distress. This is why those who struggle with prolonged grief will often describe their experience with a romantic partner as “feeling more whole” or “feeling complete.” Most of the time, this process happens unconsciously. Consciously, it usually feels like an emotional high or very strong “chemistry” when interacting with a prospective partner.
As an example, I used to tend to find and attach to women who had a variety of emotional troubles of their own. I would ignore, minimize, or rationalize red flags because, at the time, I believed that despite their sometimes disrespectful behavior towards me, they were “good people who are in a lot of pain. So, I have to forgive them for their otherwise unacceptable behavior.” At the time, I thought that I was “being compassionate” by tolerating their actions. After doing a lot of personal therapy, I realized that much of this “compassion” was displaced compassion that I needed to receive for myself. My unconscious narrative was as follows: “If I can help this person through their emotional difficulties, I will be worthy or “special” in a way that no one else in their life is. Only then will I be loveable or worthy of their attention because I am intrinsically “not enough” as I am.
By pairing up with these individuals and playing the role of “healer,” I was trying to wrestle with my own sense of inadequacy. I was hoping to gain a sense of love for myself by “becoming good enough for them,” instead of addressing my shame directly.
Naturally, when we inevitably broke up, I would feel responsible. It was somehow a poor reflection of me for not being able to satisfy them. This “confirmed” my unconscious belief that I was unworthy to begin with. After each breakup, I suffered through an unusually long period of grief; one which I was unable to fully recover from until I met a new romantic partner who could fill this role for me. Then the cycle would rinse and repeat.
Once we understand projection, it becomes clear why breakups from people who the “projector” only dated for a short period can feel so devastating. To him, the prospective partner represented a disowned part of his psyche or the antidote to otherwise unbearable emotional pain (which usually started long ago and has nothing to do with the current relationship). Thus, the loss of a new romantic interest is akin to losing a part of one’s self which is an intrinsically painful process.
I would like to note that the above is a very specific example from my life to help the reader understand what projection can look like. However, it can take on many other forms and result in a large variety of relational styles and dynamics. My story is specific to me. The only common theme threading them all together is that projection is our mind’s way of tricking us into seeing our romantic partner as someone other than who they are, as a way to avoid something within ourselves. Thus, I would encourage each individual to do their process of reflection to better understand their version of projection. Now that we established the psychological and relational processes occurring when we struggle with moving on from a past relationship, let’s get into how we can fix some of these negative cycles.
4-Ways To Stop Projecting In Relationships
Switch your focus from your ex-partner to your feelings, emotions, and “internal self.”
People who suffer from this type of attachment difficulty often find themselves fixating on positive traits, experiences, or other aspects of the past relationship. Switching our focus from the other person to our psychology is one of the hardest and most liberating things we can do to move on. Every time thoughts about how wonderful “x” moment was with them, begin to question what emotional need that moment met for you. Or every time you begin to miss “y” trait that they have, ask yourself why that trait is so valuable to you? What about it makes you so “happy?” It’s also important to reflect on existential questions regarding the value of the relationship as a whole, and the meaning you make of the eventual breakup. For example, you may begin to ask yourself questions such as “What does it mean to me that this relationship ended?” “What does it mean about me?
These are only a few of many possible questions you might begin to ask yourself. The larger point is to begin to engage with and question your feelings and beliefs about the ex-partner and past relationship instead of just focusing on how much you miss them. Note that this process is very messy and takes time. It’s important to be patient. Think of it like going to the gym or starting a diet. You won’t see results unless you consistently engage in healthy eating and exercise. Similarly, the process of uncovering and understanding projection and processing it requires consistency and dedication. It’s usually not a one-off event.
Tell a therapist, trusted friend, or family member about how you’re feeling
Talking about how you feel about your ex-partner or relationship in the context of a nonjudgmental relationship is necessary for the healing process. Ideally, it would be with a trained therapist. But if that is not available to you at this time, a trusted friend or family member can also be sufficient. Humans learn to regulate and process emotions in the context of relationships with others. Just by talking with someone willing to listen, emotions that are often intolerable become manageable. Sometimes, getting to “dump” our feelings can even lead to a sense of calm. Moreover, talking about our feelings can help us gain new insight and self-acceptance which we would otherwise not have discovered if we had only reflected on this on our own.
If this is not something you regularly do, it will be very difficult. Talking about our feelings can feel extremely vulnerable and threatening. The previous analogy about working out is useful here; if you haven’t exercised in a long time, the first few weeks of working out feel almost unbearable and there will be a strong temptation to quit. But after a couple of months of consistency, it starts to get easier and even enjoyable. Sharing our feelings is the same way.
Find fulfillment in non-romantic relationships
For those who struggle with the attachment difficulty at hand, one of the most common ways to deal with stress is through romantic relationships. Finding someone(s) to date can be like a drug. It leads to a temporary high which helps us forget about our problems. Whether this is by jumping from relationship to relationship, or casual dating and/or sex with many different partners, they tend to put an extraordinary amount of effort into this area of their lives and may forget to dedicate time to other types of relationships. While this is not an intrinsically bad thing, it’s important to remember that it is much easier to find stability in platonic relationships with friends than in romantic relationships (This is not to say that it is impossible to find stability in romantic relationships. It’s just more difficult and requires more conscious effort and skills to do so). In the long term, deep and meaningful friendships can be part of the process of resolving unmet emotional and relational needs. A lack of friends or other social connections is often the reason we project onto our lovers in this way, to begin with.
Finding friends will not feel as fulfilling at first because it doesn’t provide as much of the natural high that relationships do. This is because we project less on our friends. We are likely to see them more for who they are, and less as the people we “need” them to be. Thus, we do not get as much of the immediate emotional gratification from making new friends. The value of having friends is that as friendships deepen, they gradually help us in our process of emotional healing.
Learn about attachment theory
Learning about attachment theory is a great way to supplement all the other action items above. Attachment theory is a very well-researched explanation for why we feel and behave the way we do in relationships. Those who read about it often feel relief and even excitement from understanding why they have so many difficulties with romantic relationships. It also brings hope because it gives us a roadmap for understanding and more importantly, changing ourselves. I would highly recommend the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find and Keep- Love by Amir Levine M.D. and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A. as a starting place.
In conclusion, I want to reiterate that transforming our view of relationships and love is a slow and often difficult process. Understanding how everything I wrote in this article applies to you requires patience, introspection, and sometimes new experiences. If this is something you struggle with, I strongly recommend finding a therapist who can help guide you through this process.
Until next time!
***Written for Meridian Counseling by Simeon Simov, AMFT Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (117648)
About the Author: therapywithsimeon.com
Supervised by: Sandra Kushnir, LMFT (99225)