Understanding Trauma Bonds In Toxic Relationships

Understanding Trauma Bonds In Toxic Relationships

What is trauma bonding?

Trauma bonding is a psychological response to a form of abuse. It occurs when the abused person forms an unhealthy bond with the person who abuses them. The person experiencing the abuse may develop extreme sympathy for the abusive person, which becomes reinforced by the cycles of abuse, followed by total remorse. Stockholm syndrome is one of a type of trauma bond.

This bond can develop over days, weeks, or months. Not everyone who experiences abuse develops a trauma bond.

In fact, Stockholm syndrome is a specific type of trauma bond. While this term typically refers to someone who is held captive develops positive feelings for their captors, this dynamic can even occur in other situations and relationships. It is suggested that Stockholm syndrome may begin when a person experiencing abuse begins to rationalize the actions of the perpetrator.

Why does it happen?

Feelings of complete attachment and even dependence can contribute to a trauma bond, as can a said pattern of abuse and remorse.

Attachment Formed

Trauma bonds are often a result of an unhealthy attachment.

Humans form attachments as the means of survival. Babies become attached to the parents or caregivers whom they do depend on, and adults form attachments to others who then provide comfort or support. The problem is when someone’s main source of support is also their abuser, a trauma bond can develop. An abused person may turn to the abusive person for constant comfort when they are hurt, even if the other person was the one who has caused it.

Dependence is Developed

A person may develop a trauma bond because they do rely on the abusive person to fulfil emotional needs. For example, a child relies on their parent or caregiver for love and support. If that particular caregiver is abusive, the child may come close to associate love with abuse. Believing that this association is completely normal, the child may be unable to see the abusive caregiver as “bad” or “unwelcomed” or “unpleasant.”

The child may instead go to blame themselves for the abuse as a way of making sense of what is happening to them. This allows the caregiver to continue being “good” or “fine” or “superior” in the child’s eyes, which reinforces their bond.

Witnessing the Cycle of abuse

Some abusive relationships do follow a pattern of abuse, then move to remorse. After causing enough harm, an abusive person may make a promise to change. Some may be especially kind or romantic to make up for their behavior too.

This gives the abused person hope that their suffering will end soon and that they will one day receive the love or connection that the perpetrator has eventually promised. The person experiencing the abuse may see suffering as a price to pay for kindness and generosity.

Remorseful behavior may then cause the abused person to feel grateful, particularly if they have become accustomed to the poor and defective treatment. This reinforces and fortifies the bond.

When can the trauma bonding happen?

In theory, trauma bonding can occur in any situation that involves one person abusing or exploiting another. This may possibly include situations that do involve:

·     Domestic abuse

·    Child abuse

·    Incest

·    Elder abuse

·   Exploitative employment, such as one involving people who have immigrated without documentation

·   Kidnapping or hostage-taking

·   Human trafficking

·   Religious extremism or cults

This implies that a trauma bond does develop under specific conditions.  A person must:

·   Perceive and consider a real threat of danger from their abuser

·   Experience harsh and raucous treatment with small periods of kindness

·   Be isolated and secluded from other people and their perspectives

·   Believe that they cannot possibly escape

Signs of a Trauma Bonding

The main sign that a person has bonded with an abuser is that they try to justify or defend the abuse. They may also:

·  Agree with the abusive person’s reasons for treating them badly

·  Try to cover up for the abusive person

·  Argue with or distance themselves from people trying to help them, such as friends, family members, or neighbors

·  Become defensive or hostile if someone intervenes and attempts to stop the abuse, such as a bystander or even police officer

·  Be reluctant or unwilling to take steps to leave the abusive situation or then break the bond

A person bonded with their abuser might say, for example:

“He is only like that because he loves me so much you would not understand the same.”

“She is under a lot of pressure at work, she cannot possibly help it. She will make it up to me much later.”

“I will not leave him come what may, he is the love of my life. You are just plain jealous.”

“It is my totally fault, I make them so angry.”

It is worth noting that such feelings of attachment do not necessarily end when the person leaves the harmful and damaging situation. A person may still continue to feel loyal or loving toward the person who abused them or feel tempted to return to them.

Breaking a trauma bond

Breaking a trauma bond can be quite challenging and may take time, but it is possible.

Follow and engage the steps as below:

Focus on the present: Hope that an abusive person will change or having nostalgia for good times in the past can keep people in their trauma bonds. Trying to acknowledge what is currently happening and the impact that it has by pausing to reflect on it. If it is totally safe to do so, please keep a diary.

Focus on the evidence: If a person continues to abuse or takes no relevant steps to get help, stay focused on this, rather than on their insignificant promises about the future.

Practice positive self-talk: Abuse can totally lower a person’s self-esteem and make them feel that they cannot be without the abusive person at all. Noticing the negative self-talk and challenging them with positive alternatives can start to change this very exercise.

Practice self-care: Taking care of oneself may go on to help relieve some stress and reduce the desire to turn to an abusive person for comfort and consolation. Please note that journaling, meditation, exercise, hobbies, prayer, or talking to trusted friends can help.

If possible, a person can also:

·  Learn about abusive and toxic relationships in order to spot the signs early on and reinforce that they are not healthy.

· Do learn what healthy relationships look like and seek them out.

· Create a plan to improve your safety and make it possible to leave.

Safety planning

Safety plans include personalized steps that an individual can take to protect themselves physically and more so emotionally.

The plan may include:

·   Safe places where someone can go to protect themselves, children, or pets from violence

·   Names and contact information for people who do provide support

·  Information about the local organizations and services

·  A way to gather evidence of the abuse, such as a journal with events and dates that a person keeps in a completely safe place

·  A plan to leave, considering factors such as money, a safe place to live, and even work

·   A plan for staying safe after leaving, which may include changing locks and phone numbers, altering working hours, and even pursuing legal action

Recovery from abuse (Very Important)

The trauma of abuse can have lasting effects on both mental as well as physical health. No one has to cope with this alone. The following approaches may help people understand their grueling experiences and address related issues, such as anxiety or even depression.

Therapy (A must)

A person may experience constant pain, a sense of loss, and even grief after escaping an abusive situation. An understanding therapist, counselor, or support worker can help someone completely work through this. It may strongly help to find a therapist who has experience with trauma and abuse survivors.

A therapist can provide a safe space to talk about all the thoughts, feelings, and experiences. They can also identify and treat conditions that may develop as a result of constant abuse, such as post-traumatic stress disorder, known as PTSD.

Support groups

Support groups do offer abuse survivors places to share their stories with others who do understand. This can help a person feel less alone and remind them that there are others who certainly care. People in support groups may also share several tips on coping and staying safe, and do provide other practical advice about moving on and moving forward from an abusive situation.

Medication

If a person does develop an anxiety disorder or depression as a result of abuse, medications may help relieve some of the symptoms for sure. Anyone interested can discuss this particular option with a doctor.

Summary

Trauma bonding does occur when a person experiencing abuse develops an unhealthy attachment towards their abuser. They may go on to rationalize or vindicate or defend the abusive actions, feel a complete sense of loyalty, isolate themselves from others, and hope that the abuser’s behavior will certainly change.

Breaking a trauma bond and recovering can be a very long journey, and that is why recognizing the true nature of the bond is an important and critical first step. Trusted family members, friends, other survivors, counselors, support services, and therapists can all help a person thereby heal.

**** Written for Meridian Counseling by Trishna Patnaik, a BSc (in Life Sciences) and MBA (in Marketing) by qualification but an artist by choice. A self-taught artist based in Mumbai, Trishna has been practising art for over 14 years. After she had a professional stint in various reputed corporates, she realised that she wanted to do something more meaningful. She found her true calling in her passion that is painting. Trishna is now a full-time professional painter pursuing her passion to create and explore to the fullest. She says, “It’s a road less travelled but a journey that I look forward to everyday.” Trishna also conducts painting workshops across Mumbai and other metropolitan cities of India. Trishna is an art therapist and healer. She works with clients on a one on one basis in Mumbai. Trishna fancies the art of creative writing and is dappling her hands in that too, to soak in the experience and have an engagement with readers, wanderers and thinkers.